Zooey, as a scent hound is wont to do, regularly allows her nose to take charge, and today as I worked, I heard a rustling upstairs that could only be one thing: her noggin inside a bathroom trash can. If this has ever happened to you, please follow these steps to help ensure your dog's continued health.
- Swear uncontrollably in front of the toddler when you realize the dog is eating out of the trash; pray your child is distracted enough by the electronic babysitter to not notice and then mimic your poor word choice.
- Sprint up the stairs at neck-breaking speed, disregarding the toy(s) on the landing.
- Catch dog in the act (sort of).
- Realize that she ate A STOCKING THAT HAD BEEN FILLED WITH OATMEAL (I decided to take a relaxing bath the other night and forgot that I tossed this in the trash bin).
- Double check said trash bin to make sure you didn't miss it the first time.
- Resist any and all urges to fill the dog's Kong® with grapes, chocolate, onions, and antifreeze. Instead, yell at her (like she's a rational human being and totally understands what you mean); throw her outside while you freak out and swear (this time under your breath, just in case).
- Call the vet; listen to really bad hold music. Continue to fantasize about the chocolate Kong®.
- Consult the vet while they LAUGH OUT LOUD at your dilemma and advise you to give the unrepentant canine a snack high in fiber, like chicken and rice (I didn't know chicken has such high quantities of fiber).
- Cook some of your precious brown rice (after all, that electronic babysitter can work all day if you need it to) while you chop up a large pumpkin that your mother-in-law gave you a while back to give to the dog in her food anyway but has been sitting and taking up space on the counter.
- Realize that chopping up a large jack-o-lantern pumpkin is really a herculean effort.
- Stop after about halfway finished and throw the rest into the fridge for "later" (a.k.a. - discover it when it's turned into a science experiment).
- Allow rice to cool.
- Offer naughty dog a snack to reward her trash bin malfeasance of earlier in the day.
- Take pictures of her while she eats her snack so you can add them to your blog post.
- Wait all day for her to poop (or puke; really, you just want to make sure that the pantyhose does not take up residence in her gut).
So there you have it - that was my day. I'm not sure anyone wants a follow-up on this one, but hopefully you got a good laugh out of it.