Monday, May 16, 2011

What to Do When You Catch Your Dog Eating Out of the Garbage (or, What I Did on Monday Morning) - by, Allison

I had planned to give an update on my garden to let you know that my cantaloupe finally seems to have sprouted and such.  However, I think might offer those of you who read this blog regularly (or at least once or twice) a little Schadenfreude.

Zooey, as a scent hound is wont to do, regularly allows her nose to take charge, and today as I worked, I heard a rustling upstairs that could only be one thing: her noggin inside a bathroom trash can.  If this has ever happened to you, please follow these steps to help ensure your dog's continued health.

  1. Swear uncontrollably in front of the toddler when you realize the dog is eating out of the trash; pray your child is distracted enough by the electronic babysitter to not notice and then mimic your poor word choice.
  2. Sprint up the stairs at neck-breaking speed, disregarding the toy(s) on the landing.
  3. Catch dog in the act (sort of).
  4. Realize that she ate A STOCKING THAT HAD BEEN FILLED WITH OATMEAL (I decided to take a relaxing bath the other night and forgot that I tossed this in the trash bin).
  5. Double check said trash bin to make sure you didn't miss it the first time.
  6. Resist any and all urges to fill the dog's Kong® with grapes, chocolate, onions, and antifreeze.  Instead, yell at her (like she's a rational human being and totally understands what you mean); throw her outside while you freak out and swear (this time under your breath, just in case).
  7. Call the vet; listen to really bad hold music.  Continue to fantasize about the chocolate Kong®.
  8. Consult the vet while they LAUGH OUT LOUD at your dilemma and advise you to give the unrepentant canine a snack high in fiber, like chicken and rice (I didn't know chicken has such high quantities of fiber).
  9. Cook some of your precious brown rice (after all, that electronic babysitter can work all day if you need it to) while you chop up a large pumpkin that your mother-in-law gave you a while back to give to the dog in her food anyway but has been sitting and taking up space on the counter.
  10. Realize that chopping up a large jack-o-lantern pumpkin is really a herculean effort.
  11. Stop after about halfway finished and throw the rest into the fridge for "later" (a.k.a. - discover it when it's turned into a science experiment).
  12. Allow rice to cool.
  13. Offer naughty dog a snack to reward her trash bin malfeasance of earlier in the day.
  14. Take pictures of her while she eats her snack so you can add them to your blog post.
  15. Wait all day for her to poop (or puke; really, you just want to make sure that the pantyhose does not take up residence in her gut).

So there you have it - that was my day.  I'm not sure anyone wants a follow-up on this one, but hopefully you got a good laugh out of it.

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